Why Autumn is my favourite time of year

I'm a nature lover. I always have been. I love Britain because to me it has such a beautiful countryside. We are lucky to have such diverse weather, most will say not enough sunshine, but we have more than enough rain to make our 'green and pleasant land' lush and verdant and full of life. Every season brings its own beauty but Autumn is when nature really shows off. It colours the trees in an amazing display which, for those who take the time to look, lifts the spirits and eases the heart. 

Just like nature, we have seasons too. Pregnancy and birth, when a little bud appears and pops into the world, where everything is new, nothing is known and everything is out there to be learned and experienced. Time is taken in our Springtime to grow and learn. No deep thoughts, just mostly instinct driven its a very 'black and white, love or hate' world as we don't learn all the different shades or variety of emotions until later in Spring as we move into early Summer. Boy do we learn all the emotions possible then and we usually experience them all in a very short time.  Puberty can be a harsh teacher for some giving us such a range of emotions that often we are not equipped to deal with. 

We do however and summer arrives. We are the kings and queens of the

universe at this point! There is nothing we don't know! No one older can even understand just how amazing we are, after all, we've invented sex! Older people don't do that clearly, or if they do they don't do it as well as us! Just don't talk about older people having sex as that is just gross!! We can speak for hours on a variety of subjects, although not in any great depth of wisdom as our experiences are still fairly limited. We do still manage to learn a lot whether either cultivating a look of sheer boredom, or listening attentively, nodding occasionally as if agreeing. This summer is a long one, in it we grow to full ripeness, make offshoots of our own, bask in the sheer enjoyment of being an 'adult' (although this can come much later for some than for others) and, if lucky, generally enjoying good health, loving family and the normal everyday things that you think will go on forever.

Everything changes though, and as Summer turns into Autumn we have experienced many things, some good, some awful. Our wisdom shows itself in many ways, much like nature's Autumn. We may be overripe now, but we are colourful! There is less rushing around, less worry as our offshoots are fully grown plants and we have a wealth of knowledge to pass on. 

This is why i find people in the Autumn of their lives so much more interesting. Although, just like nature, some plants in the Autumn just start to drop their leaves, look scrawny, and miserable, so do some Autumn people. They are easy to spot though because the brilliance and humour of the wise ones shines out like the multicoloured trees. 

Winter is something we all have to experience sooner or later, but like everything else.. it's just the sleep time before re growth. 

i love being an Autumn person, I feel an affinity with nature at this time of year because it's my time. i have colours, i have depth and thank all the gods I have humour. 

Shine out your colours Autumn people, you are fascinating :)

For Just One Day

In just under 7 weeks time, I will be doing something that is unusual for a mother to do, but it will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do for my youngest daughter. It will also be my last task. A most important one and it will be a great honour to do it. 

As I walk her down the aisle, my shining girl, I will be remembering the baby, who's gaze at only a few hours old, pinned the doctor to his seat, who's ability to go from zero to deafening scream made a friend fall off the bed in shock.

I will be remembering the young girl, who spun in the street, singing Spice Girl songs, who sung Mama for me and made me cry. 

I will be remembering the silent teen, who struggled with growing up, turning that struggle into helping others who had drink and drug problems, without falling victim to them herself. 

I will be remembering the girl turning into a woman, moving with me almost the length of the country, taking on so many new challenges with a strength of character that almost made me burst.

Most of all though, I will be in silent awe of the woman she has become. No need to say how proud I am of her, it will shine out of me on that walk. The hardest part of all, will be handing her over to her man. He may well see death threats in my eyes at that moment, warning him that if he ever, EVER lets her down, he will know pain. He will need to know that while I love him too, and will defend him against all, watching over them both, even while maintaining a discreet distance, he really wouldn't want to make an enemy of me. All he needs to do is be good to this precious gift I'm giving him. 

I have started the speech that I want to give, and in spite of her concerns, I will not be showing her up on her big day. I can't guarantee no tears, but every single word will be from the heart. It's my duty, my last duty for her :)

I daresay there will be favours in the future, babysitting, dogsitting, whatever, but this, this is special. 

Oh but I had so many ideas for my outfit. I pictured myself in a morning suit, after all if I was to take on her father's role, then I should be dressed properly! Uh, apparently not.

Oh Oh then can I wear my red top hat and maybe a corset dress?? Decidedly not.

Ok then.. what about a steampunk look.. that'd be fantastic!! No

By this time I was getting 'the look'. Hang on, that's MY look! When did you get that look!! I want it back right now!!

"I'm not a conventional mumsy woman!" I wailed. "Don't make me look like Hyacinth Bucket!!" 

"Oh yes", came the retort, "That's another thing. Your hair. I'm going to pay for you to get it done.. maybe a different colour.. a nice brown maybe?"

She sighed at my look of stunned horror.

"Oh mother it's only for one day, can't you be normal for just one day??" 

For you, my wonderful girl, I will be anything you want me to be.. for just that one day xx

Waxing Philosophical

I suppose it's natural, when you get to a certain age, to ponder on life, wonder what it all means, where we are heading and who actually has it right. 

I'm one of those people who have been thinking about this for many years. Not being particularly religious, I don't have faith to fall back on for what happens after life but I do have a belief, which, for no good reason at all, I decided to share. Remember this is my belief, you are more than welcome to disagree, even laugh but this is mine.

I believe that we are all sent here to learn. This is, in effect, school. Before we are born, we decided what we need to learn in the coming life, be it hardship, wealth, jealousy, adversity, greed, or even something more abstract. 

See right there, with that statement I've told you that I believe in reincarnation. If it didn't exist, we'd have to lump all our learning into one lifetime and bloody hell that life would be a busy one! So yes, I think we return time and time again until we have learned all we need to progress onwards.

Right so there we are, all energy, knowing what we need to learn. We also need to choose parents that will give us the best possible opportunity to learn this thing, after all, we wouldn't want to have to come back over and over and relearn the same thing, especially if it's going to be a difficult life. Once this is all decided we bid farewell to that realm and return to earth to start our lessons. We don't know what that lesson is once we return here, after all if we did we'd rush to learn it so that we could be let out of school early, maybe missing some important appendices as we go. We grow and learn, the parents that we chose hopefully pointing us in the right direction for good or bad and we live our life making decisions that hopefully help us through. 

Then, with all the knowledge we have gathered, we leave this school and go home where we look at the life we have lived and judge ourselves on whether we completed our task. The cycle then continues. Simple yes?

"Oh but what about...." I can hear you cry. OK we'll go into 'what about' territory. These are things I've been asked in the past and this is my take on it.

What about abortion though, wouldn't that mess up the plans if someone chose their parents and then they had an abortion?

Well I don't know about you, but I were looking at the parents who will give me the most opportunity to learn what I needed, and I've seen far enough into the future to know whether they would or not, then surely I'd be able to see if they were going to abort or miscarry and stick a big 'PASS' on their file? I think this is why I don't have any firm opinion about abortion. I have quite firm opinions on those that have abortions just because it's not 'convenient' to have a baby but that's another topic entirely. 

What are your views on suicide?

At the risk of upsetting an awful lot of people, I think it's wrong. I don't consider the people that attempt it to be cowards or anything like that, I feel immense sadness for those who feel they just can't go on, but everything in me feels it is wrong.

We are sometimes here to experience hardship or debilitating illness, or living with disabilities, all manner of horrible things that happen to humans. We have our time to die, our 'sentence' to complete and to leave before the end just means you haven't completed that learning and you will just find yourself doing it all again or, maybe in the case of assisted suicide, coming back to live those final months/years again. Who would want to do that?

Reincarnation to me is very real. To have had children who used to talk to me about "When they were big" and having had experiences of my own (like at 4 years old, being taken on holiday to Devon for the first time and telling my father where to drive to get there) tells me more effectively than anything else could, that it exists.  This is the basis of my belief system.It's as valid as any other and more logical than a lot. If you feel like asking me a question about it, I'm happy to answer as best I can.

Through all your lives, know that where you are now is transient so enjoy it while you can x

Do you dance?

In my life, I have danced.
I have let loose and run with the wind.
I've yelled my defiance to the moon and swam naked in dark pools.
I have laughed until it hurt and endured sorrow until numb.
I have wept at the death of a friend and rejoiced at the birth of a child.
I have known both the light elation and the dark of depression.
I have known emotion.

Somewhere along the way, as I've grown older it's possible I've become wary of strong emotion. I'm convinced life is a series of wheels turning y'see, so if you are low, in the dark trenches, sooner or later it will get lighter, wheels will turn and something will happen to take your emotions to a better place, a place where you can smile, rejoice that things are actually good and thank goodness for that! 

It would be easy to say 'Ahhh' (as people do seem to start sentences with this a lot) 'Ahhh, but doesn't that mean that just around the corner is another drop, another plunge into darkness?' Quite possibly, but being aware that this could happen is the first step in the battle to if not stop it completely, at least keeping a measure of control in how deep it goes and how you handle it. 

Sorry, inner child moment

Our bodies are fantastic at sending messages to the brain about how they're doing. In fact my left arm at present is doing far too good a job of telling brain in the minutest detail that it is injured in some way. (Yes yes, we have the message now left arm, you don't need to keep on). We all know when each part is working well and when it needs attention. It's what we have medicine cabinets for. The only part of the body that brain seems to have trouble hearing is brain! Body deals with the physical side of things and brain is all over it, telling human to take pills to remedy this or that ache/pain, to eat more, to eat less, drink/exercise/rest. You name it brain has probably had a hand (or neuron) in getting you to do it. Brain however, doesn't listen to itself a lot, which is the reason for the 'brainfart' picture (snigger). By the time brain has registered the fact that there might, possibly, be something wrong emotionally or chemically in itself then you are already way down the road and it can be a long way back. 

This, I think, is because the brain is already doing so much but what it also does is tries to predict the future. From looking out the window and deciding that body needs a coat as it might rain, to running scenarios about the next medical appointment, board meeting, the list could go on forever. I don't know many people who have a good night's sleep on a Sunday as brain is busy worrying about getting up in 8 hours time!

Brain needs training to set time aside for right now. 

Right now, how are you feeling? Happy? Sad? In pain? Tired? When you're a baby these different states are reflected immediately because brain knows, even at that age, that body can't do anything yet. So baby brain makes sure it's all passed off to the mother's brain. I'm convinced that even once you've given birth and become two separate bodies, the brains still keep in contact for a lot of years after because of this. So baby body fills it's lungs and ohohohsomethingiswrongidon'tknowwhatitisbutfixitnow! is immediately transmitted to the mum's brain which usually then hits all the alarm bells, lights and sirens until there is a happy little 'coo' being emitted by baby body. Babies live very much in the now and because of this, they are happier a lot quicker because things are dealt with on time. It's about time adult brain remembered this and instead of putting off or ignoring signals it deals with it at the time.

How the hell did I go from dancing to babies??? I despair sometimes.

OK. Emotions are transient things. How long they stick around depends on how you deal with it. This is of course very general and easy to type, far easier than actually doing it. 

I must start dancing again and sometimes dancing is best done alone, less chance of whacking someone around the head as you wave your arms around. However, if you are good at dodging and ducking, you are welcome to dance with me.

Life, belief and absurdity

Been having a bit of a ponder today. There was a social media 'thing' that went around recently that challenged people to think of ten people that you'd like to say something to, and write them down. I couldn't do the challenge as there isn't ten people I want to say things to that I wouldn't say to their face, so that stumped me for a start.

Then started mulling over what I would say to humans in general and I very much doubt I would stop at just ten things but thought I would put some of them down here. 

1. Don't let your past control your future. Humans do awful things to each other, things that hurt the soul and can take years, if ever to recover from. Accept that these things have happened, can never unhappen, the only way to get back at those that have hurt you is to live a full and happy life. Yeah killing them horribly might make you feel better, but you will still have to walk the path that heals you, or they will have still won.

2. Accept yourself. Don't allow others to pressure you into being what you are not. More and more in our lives now, we are told we can't find true happiness unless we are rich, slim, pretty/handsome, clever, have the latest iphone/ipad, the best house/car/job. Happiness doesn't come from the outside, it comes from inside. Turn around to all those desperate to take your money or change you, smile and say.. "No thank you". When it comes right down to it, we have life, given to us for free. a precious commodity and depending on your beliefs, we are only ever given one. For goodness sake enjoy it while you can, don't live your life yearning for things you can't have - that road only leads to depression and loneliness.

3. Get help if you feel you need it. Friends are great for a hug and sympathy but professionals have studied for years to help those who need them. Let them. It isn't a mark of weakness, there is no nobility in struggling along trying to survive while all around you crumbles. Seek them out. they may not get it right first time, after all, they can only go by what you say to them and if the emotions run deep, it might take them a while to coax it out of you. It isn't an instant pill thing and they are not psychic. You are unique, no books would have given them an instant cure.

4. Be the kind of person you'd most want to meet. Think about that for a moment. Are you?

5. Love as much as possible. Negative emotions towards someone does diddly squat to them, they only poison you. Let them go. Hate only destroys the hater. Don't be afraid to love because you think you'll only get hurt. That's like saying you should be afraid to drink because you'll only get thirsty again! We need love, as much as we try to deny it.

6. See the absurdity in yourself. Taking yourself too seriously is just asking for trouble. especially in this crazy life we live. Most people are very good at seeing through disguises and trust me, believe your own hype and we are not laughing 'with' you. Lighten up and learn to laugh :) Laughing has been proven time and time again to be therapeutic so don't just titter, let it rise up from your emotional middle and blart out of your mouth at every opportunity!

7. Don't be afraid of the child within. We all have one, whether we choose to ignore it or not. They are still with you. If you are older like me, you probably don't feel more than 20 in your mind, but there are times when you should take yourself back further, to a time when you looked at the world in wide eyed wonder. Take some time to believe in magic, look for fairies at the bottom of the garden, try to count the petals on a crysanthemumumum.. and have an honest to goodness tantrum once in a while! Its fun, honestly and boy does it feel good to get all those frustrations out.

8. Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think. Yes, there will be times when you think to yourself 'I can't take anymore' but guess what, you can and may well have to. Not everyone is born for greatness, but we are all born with potential. A 'can do attitude' or as I've described it on more than one occasion as bloody minded stubborness, can get you through a lot of situations. That hill can be climbed, that skill can be learned, how much do you want it? You are not somehow less deserving. If you believe in yourself then others will too.

9. Learn to let go. This is actually one of the things I do battle with. I will gnaw at things that happened to me years ago and there's a dialogue going on in my head about how I could have dealt with it better, what I could have said, if I'd done that would the outcome have been different. I can work myself up into a sleepless night with things like this. Past relationships, jobs, situations can all become so much bigger in your mind if you let them. Don't let them. Work at letting go. You can't change the past so wtf are you doing awake at 3am planning how to do it differently!

see now... I've got this far and can't think of anything else I want to say to the human race apart from: 'Hey guys.. we are all in this together, let's try and make the best of it huh?? C'mere.. gimmie a hug. We are all just making it up as we go along anyway.

One random act of kindness a day

Yes, i know. The title makes it sound like this is going to be an aging hippy blog about us all loving each other and being nice and while that is an ideal, its not a realistic concept as humans are basically, well, not very nice. Our default state appears to be apathy, followed closely by denial and if pressed dips into nastiness. Let me break it down.

The human condition:

Apathy - "well it's not happening here, so why should we worry?"

             "as long as they don't bring it here I don't care"

             "doesn't affect me, so let them get on with it"

Denial  - "It can't be that bad, they are just using it as an excuse"

             "Don't bring it to our doorstep, we don't want it"

             "It would never happen here so we're safe"

Nastiness: "They'd better not come here, we don't want them"

                "They aren't refugees, they are scroungers!"

                "We should look after our own before letting them in"

Over the last few weeks I think I've seen all these responses in one form or another and if you take a really good look at what is happening here, then I think you might consider the following:

To apathy and denial I would say, no, it's not happening here, yet. The government we have at the moment not only those in power but the other parties too. They aren't competing to be the ones who run the country, they are competing for the biggest slice of the cake. Whether it is big business or the bankers that really rule the country or whether it is a publicly elected body, it's not about people, its about money and how much they can make. Do you think if we really objected strongly, rebelled against it and tried to change things it couldn't get really bad for us really quickly? Don't get too complacent is all I'm saying. 

I could say a lot of things to nastiness, but hey, here's an idea! To all those spouting those kinds of things, can we do a swap?? Have the refugees here and send you out "where they came from"? Sounds like we'd get the better deal personally!

It is currently my mission to hug a Syrian refugee tightly when I see one. They have had their worlds turned upside down. I can't even imagine what that feels like.

Oh.. this went in a different direction to the one I was planning.. as is often the case. I do try to pull them back onto the right theme but didn't bother this time. 

However, apart from scaring the living crap out of some poor unsuspecting Syrian refugee in the near future, I'm also going to think more about what I can do for people. I hope you do too. 

When you actually think about it, it takes very little to make another human smile. It doesn't take money, it doesn't even take a lot of your time. I'm hereby challenging you to do the following acts of kindness:

• Let someone go ahead of you in a queue 
• Offer to help someone pack their shopping if they are struggling with children as well
• Offer a homeless person half of your sandwich
• Smile more at strangers (not too much, it looks creepy if you do it all the time)
• Pop any small change in a charity box
• Take time to talk to someone elderly or homeless. Just showing you care enough to stop and chat can mean so much

The one I want to do? I want to make sure that the trend started a while ago whereby you buy a "suspended coffee" for someone less fortunate doesn't die. In fact, those places that offer a two for one meal deal should allow the second meal to be 'suspended' for those who need it. This idea cannot be allowed to die off!! 

Peace and love man...

It's a dog's life

On the 4th March 2012 I went to our local pet rescue centre. I had wanted a dog for years but now that both my cats had died, I decided this was it, I was going to get a dog. 

I knew exactly what I wanted. A male dog definitely, one with long hair, as I never was a fan of short haired breeds. A collie was very much at the front of my mind as i'd grown up with them and knew they were very intelligent dogs. So that was the plan. Unable to afford to buy a puppy, I'd search the rescue centres until I found the dog of my dreams. 

Sounds fairly straightforward right? I lost count of the amount of rescue centres I visited. I saw in total two collies. One hated everyone and I was advised not to go near it as it had been badly treated, and the other had clearly lost its mind and was systematically bouncing itself off the kennel walls. I saw Staffies by the hundred, Rotweillers, Huskies, small unidentifiable yappy things. I saw those that played to the crowd, up against the bars, barking their attributes at everyone, hoping to get picked, others who just barked profanities and then, right when I was beginning to think I wouldn't find one, I drew level with the next kennel. 

In it were two dogs, both about the same size, one looked like a staffie cross whippet and the other, sat at the back of the cage ignoring everything was a tan coloured dog, another cross staffie but crossed with what was anyone's guess.

As I stood there, she slowly turned her head and I was trapped in the gaze of the saddest pair of eyes I had ever seen. As she saw me, she got up and walked to the front and got up on her hind legs to take a closer look. Next she poked her paw through the bars and with little mumbles she gently tried to catch hold of me to pull me closer. 

No need to go through the embarrassment of explaining what a complete wreck I was that she'd chosen me, no need to dwell on the fact that she was the complete opposite of what I'd been so determined to get. I'd been chosen!

After completing all the paperwork, I was pulled away from the centre by my new owner and she flopped into the back of my car like she'd been doing it all her life. On the way home I explained to her that her name was now Ruby, that I was in fact the alpha in her new pack, that she was to behave when we got home, that she had a new bed, new toys and everything waiting for her and, glancing in the rear view mirror, I was certain that the smiling face meant she understood everything. 

She went through the front door like a bullet from a gun, tore down the passage, which wasn't easy as the laminate flooring meant she had to run twice as fast to get half the distance and she proceeded to bounce on each part of the sofas in turn. Clearly dizzy with excitement, she did the same journey back again to inspect her new bed, even while I was wasting my time pointing at the multicoloured bed in the living room. I followed her to the bedroom to see her running in very small, very fast circles on my bed. She evidently approved. She then bounced to the kitchen, recognised a water bowl when she saw it, took a long drink and then I quickly showed her the garden before she got any ideas.

This was over three years ago now. They had told me she was two when I got her, the vet said nearer to three, so I go with that. She's six now and she infuriates me with her dirty protests every time I go out, drives me crazy in the night, I don't think I've had a full nights sleep since i got her and barks for absolutely no good reason, usually just as I'm dozing off to sleep. 

She's also been my lifeline, my confidant, my rock, my warm cuddle when I've needed one, is always pleased to see me.  You're going grey around the snout now old girl but then again, so am I xx

Let this be an inspiration to us all

I have to confess that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, which I think is turning more to hate as I turn off more and more notifications from friends. I hate doing it, but get exasperated at some of the things they post. I have perhaps half a dozen friends who make it their mission in life to post almost constantly. Now if these were posts about what's happening in their lives, even their neighbours lives if they are that way inclined then great, this feeds both my nosy gene and the one that wants to ensure that all my friends are ok and if not enjoying life, at least sharing it with everyone. 

The ones I don't understand and never will, are those that constantly post supposedly uplifting quotes, meant to make me realise how lucky I am to be alive. 

Let me tell you a secret.. 

They don't work! 

Shocked? I don't really think you are. Why do you do it? Do you think that one of your friends might one day read what you've posted, get hit by a shaft of light and dance off into the rest of their lives throwing their anti-depressants over their shoulders as they go? They know full well there are people worse off than them, they don't need to be told this. All this does is add a creamy topping of guilt to their depression pie. They don't suddenly get a dose of happy because you've posted a picture of a cat/dog/baby(insert cute here). 

I did ask someone why they did it and their explanation was "well its better than always moaning or pictures of breakfast, dinner and tea" well my word I guess it is, if that is your only alternative! I have people on my feed who moan a lot and I have never once thought of blocking their posts. i have people who like showing what they are eating. While I have never really understood the excitement in this, it's not as if they are offering me any, I've never once thought of blocking their posts. Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" Is all you have in your head inspirational posters? Does Google know this?? Are you ever happy, does nothing happen to you that you want to share? If you're having a bad pain day, get free virtual hugs by telling people! If you're having a good pain day, let people join you in celebrating! 

Oh... you're a private person are you.. you don't like sharing your innermost feelings. That I can understand. I tend to post trivial things and rarely dip into the corners of my mind to post, mainly because I don't want to scare the shit out of everyone. However, tell me this much. Why, if you are so private, are you on Facebook at all?? Do you like to keep in touch with friends and find out what they are up to? Hardly fair if you're not doing the same is it. Never mind. I'm sure there is an inspirational quote to cover the situation. 

PS. That devil that live inside me has been posting de-motivational quotes, just to balance things out y'know.. no other reason.. I promise..

Getting on the hobby train

I've never been one for hobbies. It always seemed like something other people did. Even the sound of it seemed so uncool that even had I had one, I would never have admitted it! Even the word sounds ridiculous! Try saying it a few times and I bet you end up saying it like a Rowan Atkinson character! "Oh! You have a 'hobby' do you Baldrick??" You can just hear it can't you.

Still, all that being said, once I'd finished my parental sentence, I decided that I wanted to explore things that I'd never had the time for. 

I flirted with Genealogy for a while. It was fun, finding out who I was descended from, where they lived, what they did and I still have an interest, but it's one of those things that now sits in the 'I'll get back to that' pile gathering dust. 

There were two things that I thought might interest me though. Years before in another career I'd had the opportunity to work with clay and had enjoyed it. So, I enrolled in an evening class and decided to see what i could do. 

Oh Yes! Getting mucky and pushing my fingers into clay again. It fired up my imagination and pleasure centres that it probably shouldn't but it felt good to mold and shape it. I spent most of the six week course doing my own thing and at the end of it, I produced this!

 

Not particularly earth shattering but amazingly satisfying! I was completely fired with enthusiasm and started to plan how best I could carry on this new 'hobby' (yes I did the silly voice) with no kiln or access to one. I discovered air drying clay and with the help and support of a great friend reinforced air drying clay which I still use today. i vowed to get a small kiln and still want to, but at over £1000 it still eludes me.

The other thing I'd always wanted to try was stained glass work. I love colour with a passion and adored stained glass. Flushed with the success of the first encounter with evening classes I searched once again for a class on this subject. No luck.. none, nada, zilch. The only way I could apparently learn this was to go to a professional stained glass company and hand over a kidney and maybe a lung in the hope they'd teach me. So, this is still in the waiting zone for when the lottery win arrives. In the meantime, I explored 'fake' stained glass, using lead and paints to decorate vases and suchlike. Here's a few of the results so far:



So there you have it. Two hobbies. I'm a frequent flyer at Hobbycraft and spending lots of time creating. In reference to the quote at the beginning.. I think I have my crayons back now :)

Hello again!

Wow, this is a surprise! Decided to resurrect my old blog and have spent the last while going through all my old posts, reading them and mostly smiling at them and remembering what prompted them.

"What prompted the return?" I hear you all shout as well you might! It is a little bit of a rant I have to admit. Things happen and as I move through life I really do try not to tread too hard on people's toes, knowing that they fight their own battles, have their own priorities. This is, apparently, what we are supposed to do, consider others and accept they may be the way they are because of how they are doing on their journey. This is a good thing. Mostly.

I'm not sure if it's this mindset that has me in trouble, or if it's a case of low self esteem, but I'm sure this doesn't mean that if someone is going through a particularly bad time you are supposed to excuse their behaviours, bite your tongue when they hurt you, or place yourself lower on the ladder of importance because clearly you are not suffering like they are. Yes depression is a desperate problem for, it seems, an awful lot of humans. I've suffered from it myself and am still slowly coming off meds. 

It is easy to become the centre of your own universe with depression. You have enough to deal with your own emotions without worrying about others. So is it right to make those around you feel like they don't matter to you? Is it ok to expect people to just suck it up if you let them down? No actually! No it's not ok. It isn't right and it isn't fair, especially when those people are doing their best to support you. Don't trample on their feelings, you are not more important than them ok? I have the right to my self esteem issues. You do not have the right to hold me in such low esteem that you don't honour commitments or apologise when you can't.

Years ago, when managing a residential home, I regularly had staff members come in to me, ranting about something or other, emotionally distraught as the person they were supporting got ill or was in hospital. I listened, gave support where I could and let them vent. They usually left my office after a coffee and biscuits feeling much better. Of course they did, they left their problems with me. When I buckled under the stress after many years, I actually heard one of the staff say "well i don't know what she's got to be stressed about, she doesn't have to deal with the day to day problems like we do". I learned to deal.

So, come one come all, vent at me, I'll listen and offer comfort/support where I can. Disrespect me and make me feel that you don't actually care about my feelings.. go find someone else to burden.