This is.....

My photo
Probably insane, sometimes cynical, mostly absurd and occasionally feisty, buddhist, sapiosexual witch with a passion for love, food and life. Convinced that most people either need a hug, or a damn good slap :)

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Who me?

This week has been an interesting one. I was privileged enough to meet some new friends and spend an evening in their company. I hope I get to do that again, if they'll have me. 

If I were to say that I suffer social anxiety with self esteem issues and lack of confidence generally, most people who have met me and know me on a 'surface level' would laugh and call me a liar. Those who know the deeper me though, do know how I'm cringing inside sometimes in company.

Many years ago an overweight, shy young girl, took a long look at herself. She knew that if you were 'different' at school you were usually picked on as she'd already had a taste of that, and seen others suffering because of their differences. Quite analytical for one so young, she thought about how best to get accepted. Reading some self help thing or other (hey give me a break it was a long time ago!) she learned that apparently the way to get over being shy was to fake confidence until it actually became who you were. The more she pondered on this the more sense it seemed to make, enough sense for her to give it a go anyway. So, armed with this new battle weapon, she started to strut around, joining in conversations, well when I say joining in, I'd stand there listening, then suddenly come out with a one liner that would (hopefully) crack the group up and then wander off smiling. This worked overtime as I found I had a bit of a talent for the 'one liner' and eventually I became the clown, people actually asking me if I'd go with them on group stuff because 'I was such a laugh'. Oh well, I thought, bullshit works!

Just noticed something on re-reading that. When I was talking about the shy girl who frankly pretty much hated herself, I disassociated by calling her 'she'. Halfway down it very definitely changes, as I manage to start integrating, to 'I'.

Funny how our own writings and thought processes catch us out isn't it. That's actually freaked me out a bit!

Anyway, back to the plot, if there ever was one. I grew up, using this ploy in many many different scenarios. I developed a public me, and a private me. Frankly the private me thinks the public me is a complete pain the arse and you'll usually find me apologising to people who've met me for the first time as I'm convinced I'm as annoying as hell. Even at the start of this blog, just in case any of them read it, you can see the private me being unsure and almost apologising. 

There are different levels of public me too, depending how nervous I am, or how many people there are, or what it is. 

People tell me I'm a great coach/trainer/facilitator, whatever the hell the term is this week.  I do give talks, I lead presentations at work, I train people on software and I've always done this well if the feedback is anything to be believed. I actually thoroughly enjoy it. I have no nerves at all when I stand up in front of a room full of people, whatever the standing in the company. I can only attribute this to the years of 'faking it' that I've done, and the fact that I'm not worrying about what they think of me, more about what I'm presenting.

However, put me in a room with half a dozen people I don't know and are actively wanting them to like me and gods, this manic, loud, comic comes out, determined to get everyone smiling or laughing. It's like I need to entertain! I wonder sometimes if I should have been an actor! I sometimes pity the poor sods who meet me for the first time. Some do look a little shell shocked lol

The private me no longer hates herself.. well apart from this constantly nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. Perhaps every hermit-in-training feels that way. They aren't likely to tell us, being hermit and all that.

The new friends I met this week though seem great people. They have been through their own struggles and that is very probably going to be my next blog - my thoughts on all that. Unsurprisingly, that was going to be what this blog was about but as usual, they write themselves, I'm just the silly bugger doing the typing while the literary me dictates. 

Ohh! There's another thing! How many 'me's' are there? I have a feeling that a lot of us have many persona's that they call on or who appear right when they feel like it.  For instance, talking about me again (because, well, it's my blog innit) I have a terrifically organised me who goes to work, sorts everyone out, knows exactly what to do, and is good at prioritising. Get me out of work and I'm frankly an air-head. I find it extremely difficult to even open post, let alone read it. It sits on the side for months sometimes before I screw up the courage and spend a morning wading through it all with a rubbish bin beside me. I miss appointments, I'll put  up with something faulty for ages because I can't be bothered to call and get it repaired. Procrastination is my first name let alone my middle name in this persona. 

Sometimes I think I should have been called Sybil (and if you've never seen the film of the same name, you should!)

bye for now :)


Sunday, 4 October 2015

Sit down a while, we have time.

Have you ever taken the time to think about time? 

I do accept that this might be seen as an odd question but bear with me, you never know it might even get more interesting! I think about it a lot, not just because my allotted amount of time is well past the half way mark now. It's something I've always done. I've never been comfortable with the notion that time is something that we should be so very obsessed with, especially as it is a man made construct. I can understand why, people need order, they need to feel there is a script to their lives.

I wish people could see how robotic it makes them! Let me explain.
Mr Normal sets his alarm so that it wakes him up in time for work. He's thought about that alarm, he's considered how long the three S's take him, dressing, time to eat breakfast, the travel time to work, allowing some leeway for traffic. All this so that he can be in work for a specific time that the company has contracted him to be there. It's a wonder he doesn't 'beep' every time one of these tasks are completed!

For arguments sake, Mr Normal arrives in work at 9am sharp, works until 10.30 and then makes a cuppa, might chat with a few colleagues in the kitchen while it brews, but then he's back at it. He looks at his watch a while later and sees its 12.30. Ting! Lunchtime! He doesn't even stop to consider whether he's actually hungry, it's lunch time, so he should be.

To be honest Mr Normal spends the rest of the day like this. 5pm home, 6.30pm evening meal, 8.30 television, 11pm and he's back in bed, ready to do it all over again tomorrow. 

I could have actually broken that down further, but to be honest Mr Normal was beginning to depress me and I seriously thought I heard him start to squeak. So we'll leave him to oiling his bits.

Now of course we come to the silly bit. I like the silly bits.

The earth travels around the sun every 24 hours. This apparently is fact, although who decided what an hour was and how long an hour was to be able to come up with this piece of wisdom I have no idea. I could google it, but actually I don't much care, time stopped for him several millenia ago I'm sure. 

Our brains don't necessarily conform to all the restrictions of time, which plods along, seconds exactly the same distance apart until they reach their first goal of a minute, which then plods along exactly the same distance apart until they reach the heady heights of an hour. Again and again. Brain is a bit of a rebel sometimes. Brain wakes up and sees a Monday morning. Brains clock starts to slow immediately in reaction. It notices that it's raining.. slower. It remembers that meeting is today that you didn't want to go to... brain is now almost in a coma. You think to yourself "today is going to go on forever!" and while that's an exaggeration on your part is certainly feels like it! 

Brain wakes up another morning. After some scratching of its frontal lobe it realises it's Saturday!! Brain takes on a jaunty little tick now and you get up, humming softly, not even really thinking of the time and do all those Saturday things we enjoy so much. Then, you notice that it's starting to get dark and you frown, confused, so you look, possibly for the first time today at your watch. "Bloody hell I only got up a few hours ago!! How can it be evening already!!!" Inside Brain is having a little tantrum because time went so fast. 

So really, for us, time isn't that consistent. However, left to our own devices, we'd sleep when tired, eat when hungry.. 

Oh I just thought of something! How many of us, at work have said "I have this piece of work to do that's going to take a long while but will be really good, but there's only half an hour left so I'll try and fit it in tomorrow" (and then waste the half hour trying to look busy). If we weren't so tied to the clock, we could do that work, maybe it takes us until 8pm but you're in the zone and it's really good. What if then you could wander in 3 hours late the next morning.. nice lie in there and less stress. Company gets more from you, you get to relax.

So, what can we do with time. Oddly we appear to think:

We can save it
We can spend it
We can waste it
We can steal it
We can borrow it
We can lend it
We can give it
We can take it
We can earn it
We can lose it
We can set it
We can beat it
We can make it

But you know the best thing you can do with it? Live it! In whatever way it's given to you, it is YOURS. 

Afterthought, which should have been a forethought but got lost... sharing time with others is probably the best thing you can do :)

Saturday, 3 October 2015

"I've Had to Change the Title and now have no idea what to call it"

As I've been doing more of this blogging lark lately, a few things have occurred to me. I waffle on quite happily on here, with people rarely commenting, which is a shame but the way of the world sometimes. This kinda puts me in mind of the drunk at the party. They drink, and as they drink, words leak out of their brains into their mouths and in order to be able to drink more without choking on a stray capital letter, they have to let them out. It matters not if anyone is listening, or commenting, because these words are just in the way and have to leave. 

There are of course people who can do this without drinking. These poor afflicted people have a slight malfunction in the brain which over produces words that again, have to come out before their heads explode. If they are lucky, these people can make a living at this, people like Tolkien and Isaac Asimov were early sufferers, as was Terry Pratchett.  JK Rowling, Faith Hunter, Kim Harrison, and many other more modern sufferers deal with this most troublesome condition under the guise of entertainment. There are some of course that it would have been more entertaining had they kept their words inside their heads until fifty shades of grey matter had exploded out. Not naming names of course.. ahem.

It is said that no word, once said, can ever be unsaid. I think it is true. We may forgive a harsh word, but we will never forget it. It will visit again, usually in the dead of night when you can't sleep and you'll have to remind yourself that you actually did forgive that, honestly you did, so go away please. 

I've decided with my blogs, I'm going to be the drunk. I'm not clever enough to earn money at this but I love doing it, so, I take the drunk option. This doesn't mean all my blogs are going to be typed when I'm drunk, that would be silly, and i couldn't afford it, but as I live alone, rarely drink and friends don't visit me very often (almost never) I don't get the chance to have debates, or pontificate about everything I know nothing about, like everyone else does.

Ha! Just looked up the word pontificate as I knew what it meant generally but wanted to make sure I was using it right and got this definition:

"To pontificate is to talk in a dogmatic and pompous  manner. To pontificate properly, you need to be a know-it-all with very strong opinions and the urge to share them.
Pontificate comes from the French word pontiff, another word for the Pope, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church" 

Well har har har!

Ok another short pathway meandered down for a moment. Back now. 

You, good people are going to be the long suffering listeners of my ramblings. I'm going to pretend that we're all here together, and we are (I am) discussing deep and meaningful topics, ones that plague me while the OhGod of Insomnia sits cross legged at the end of the bed making sure I worship him properly (usually by beseeching "OhGod please let me sleep!") By the way, did you know that the Roman God of Sleep was called Somnus, which is how we get the word insomnia as unable to sleep! (just imagine that I put square glasses on and spoke that last sentence through my nose please)

Ok to be completely honest, it's when I'm laying in bed in the middle of the night arguing with my body about getting up for a wee. Then once I've given in and gone, arguing with my body about getting back to sleep before I need another wee. BUT I do think deep thoughts at this time too!

Right I think I've given you a good idea of how they are likely to go. The next one I'll be muttering about relates to Time, which this one would have, but got sidetracked before I even started! Bugger, got to change the title now.

Bet you can't wait now :)