Monday, 29 June 2009
I am very aware that I've ignored my spiritual side for a long while and the hole it has left inside me keeps me aware that it's something I need to get back to.
Some might say that as I get older, it's natural that I would want to make sure there was something 'after', however I know that it's not that.
Buddhism isn't a religion as such, it's more a way of life, one that I have felt drawn to since my early 20's. When I lived in London, I used to go to the Buddhist temple in Wimbledon and felt such peace there, the monks so devout and yet at the same time so full of fun and life.
When I moved up I found somewhere in Wales, but have only managed to get there once. While I would love to go again, but life seems to get in the way all the time.
Likewise my Wiccan side gets sadly neglected, even though I have a supreme love of the earth, and often talk to the goddess I feel closest to, I know there is more I could do, more I want to do and yet, as with everything else in my life at the moment, I feel I am freewheeling, not really making an effort in any area.
Perhaps this is the menopause? Perhaps there is no excuse and I'm just damned lazy. This provokes feelings of guilt because yes of course I'm lazy! If I wasn't then I would be doing all the things I so badly want to do. I need an injection of passion. Not the sexual kind, although that would be nice thank you very much, I mean more of the passion for life, passion for a cause, passion for being. I can meditate really well.. I can do long periods of time doing absolutely nothing!
I need a kick.. a reason to fight.. a passion. Does anyone know if they sell it on ebay??
I so need to change myself, my life, my direction. All I now need is the motivation. I suspect I need to feel I'm worth it, worth fighting for. How do you suddenly change that inside of yourself? Does self esteem come free if you buy two slimming products at Boots?
I'm going to make an effort to find the motivation somehow, hopefully without giving over my life savings to a lifestyle coach, no matter how good they are I don't think I'd get a lot of motivation for £56.43!
Be excellent to each other.. however, I need to be excellent to me now.