Who me?

This week has been an interesting one. I was privileged enough to meet some new friends and spend an evening in their company. I hope I get to do that again, if they'll have me. 

If I were to say that I suffer social anxiety with self esteem issues and lack of confidence generally, most people who have met me and know me on a 'surface level' would laugh and call me a liar. Those who know the deeper me though, do know how I'm cringing inside sometimes in company.

Many years ago an overweight, shy young girl, took a long look at herself. She knew that if you were 'different' at school you were usually picked on as she'd already had a taste of that, and seen others suffering because of their differences. Quite analytical for one so young, she thought about how best to get accepted. Reading some self help thing or other (hey give me a break it was a long time ago!) she learned that apparently the way to get over being shy was to fake confidence until it actually became who you were. The more she pondered on this the more sense it seemed to make, enough sense for her to give it a go anyway. So, armed with this new battle weapon, she started to strut around, joining in conversations, well when I say joining in, I'd stand there listening, then suddenly come out with a one liner that would (hopefully) crack the group up and then wander off smiling. This worked overtime as I found I had a bit of a talent for the 'one liner' and eventually I became the clown, people actually asking me if I'd go with them on group stuff because 'I was such a laugh'. Oh well, I thought, bullshit works!

Just noticed something on re-reading that. When I was talking about the shy girl who frankly pretty much hated herself, I disassociated by calling her 'she'. Halfway down it very definitely changes, as I manage to start integrating, to 'I'.

Funny how our own writings and thought processes catch us out isn't it. That's actually freaked me out a bit!

Anyway, back to the plot, if there ever was one. I grew up, using this ploy in many many different scenarios. I developed a public me, and a private me. Frankly the private me thinks the public me is a complete pain the arse and you'll usually find me apologising to people who've met me for the first time as I'm convinced I'm as annoying as hell. Even at the start of this blog, just in case any of them read it, you can see the private me being unsure and almost apologising. 

There are different levels of public me too, depending how nervous I am, or how many people there are, or what it is. 

People tell me I'm a great coach/trainer/facilitator, whatever the hell the term is this week.  I do give talks, I lead presentations at work, I train people on software and I've always done this well if the feedback is anything to be believed. I actually thoroughly enjoy it. I have no nerves at all when I stand up in front of a room full of people, whatever the standing in the company. I can only attribute this to the years of 'faking it' that I've done, and the fact that I'm not worrying about what they think of me, more about what I'm presenting.

However, put me in a room with half a dozen people I don't know and are actively wanting them to like me and gods, this manic, loud, comic comes out, determined to get everyone smiling or laughing. It's like I need to entertain! I wonder sometimes if I should have been an actor! I sometimes pity the poor sods who meet me for the first time. Some do look a little shell shocked lol

The private me no longer hates herself.. well apart from this constantly nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. Perhaps every hermit-in-training feels that way. They aren't likely to tell us, being hermit and all that.

The new friends I met this week though seem great people. They have been through their own struggles and that is very probably going to be my next blog - my thoughts on all that. Unsurprisingly, that was going to be what this blog was about but as usual, they write themselves, I'm just the silly bugger doing the typing while the literary me dictates. 

Ohh! There's another thing! How many 'me's' are there? I have a feeling that a lot of us have many persona's that they call on or who appear right when they feel like it.  For instance, talking about me again (because, well, it's my blog innit) I have a terrifically organised me who goes to work, sorts everyone out, knows exactly what to do, and is good at prioritising. Get me out of work and I'm frankly an air-head. I find it extremely difficult to even open post, let alone read it. It sits on the side for months sometimes before I screw up the courage and spend a morning wading through it all with a rubbish bin beside me. I miss appointments, I'll put  up with something faulty for ages because I can't be bothered to call and get it repaired. Procrastination is my first name let alone my middle name in this persona. 

Sometimes I think I should have been called Sybil (and if you've never seen the film of the same name, you should!)

bye for now :)