Beep Beep!

It's been a time of revelations. Something in my thick head must have thinned, as things that were previously dismissed as not applying to me have started to get through, started to make a change in my thinking. I'd like to say it's been a gradual process but it hasn't. Perhaps I've been listening to the 'right' people, but then again, their words wouldn't have made the impact they have until recently.

I can't give you a date that this happened, I can't even tell you that it isn't going to take a long time before I actually do understand and believe their words. However, I think I'm almost, nearly, got my toes on the starting grid, testing it to see if it actually fits and is really the beginning.

The beginning of what? You ask?  Acceptance. That seems like a good word for now. 

I have been going through a time of feeling like the scum of the earth. That I didn't deserve happiness. That I was such an awful person that everything I'd currently got wrong with me, and with my life was retribution and I had to bear it. I'd hit that self destruct button, overeating, feeling my clothes getting tighter, hating myself just a little bit more every day. My skin got bad, I only have to do the slightest of things, even walking and I became exhausted. 

I was growing an unhealthy loathing of myself. Going out and seeing people was increasingly difficult. I didn't want them to see me, hating having to work so hard at trying to be happy. 

Until....

One day I watched a talk that a friend had given. It was a really interesting talk and unusually for me I listened to the whole thing. One thing they had said had stuck out, even though it was more of an aside, rather than the topic:

"I am not fat, I have fat. It doesn't define me, it's not who I am" 

I sat for a long time considering this. Over the years numerous people, including doctors have felt the need to point out "YOU ARE FAT!!" like I'd somehow overlooked this fact and needed reminding. I realised that was how I viewed myself - as a great big lump of fat.

What began as a little 'thought snowball' started slowly, oh so slowly rolling down the mountainside. Was it really me I hated or just what I had allowed myself to become? 

Hang on, stop right there. MYSELF? My Self doesn't have a body, it inhabits a body, or has inhabited several over various lifetimes. I happen to think My Self is a pretty cool dude (or dudette, depending on said lifetimes). The body I inhabit at present is just a mobile vehicle for my Self. 

So I'm hating what is basically a car because it doesn't look the way I think it should? 

If someone is upset with their car, do they go punch holes in it? Knock it out of shape? Fill the engine with sugar or exact some other kind of revenge on it? Not unless they are a complete pillock. Everywhere at the moment people are telling you to love yourself, no matter what  you look like, but if you look in the mirror and don't find what you see attractive, or at the very least, acceptable, then shouldn't you be thinking about pimping your ride instead of trying to make it look like a funny car at a rally?

Even taking the love or hate out of it, you service your car, you make sure its going to last until the next MOT and basically try to take care of it. So why not do the same with your body vehicle? 

I feel like I'm going through a bit of a divorce at the moment, working at separating my feelings about my Self and my feelings about my body, because over the years they have merged, the lines fuzzy. I have to stop making my body suffer when my Self is feeling bad (and on re-reading this, making my Self suffer when my body feels bad!) Goodness knows I should kiss this body's feet (an impossible task) and beg its forgiveness for all the crap I've put it through. I'm amazed it's still here, although it is showing signs of damage and certainly isn't bouncing back how it used to. It's about time I did something for it instead of against it for a change.

The divorce isn't final, I still have a lot of things to work through and it won't all be plain sailing but that thought snowball has been gathering speed and will come thundering down that mountainside soon and possibly up the other side. 

I feel it, but feel free to kick my bumper sticker if you see me slipping!