It's a dog's life

On the 4th March 2012 I went to our local pet rescue centre. I had wanted a dog for years but now that both my cats had died, I decided this was it, I was going to get a dog. 

I knew exactly what I wanted. A male dog definitely, one with long hair, as I never was a fan of short haired breeds. A collie was very much at the front of my mind as i'd grown up with them and knew they were very intelligent dogs. So that was the plan. Unable to afford to buy a puppy, I'd search the rescue centres until I found the dog of my dreams. 

Sounds fairly straightforward right? I lost count of the amount of rescue centres I visited. I saw in total two collies. One hated everyone and I was advised not to go near it as it had been badly treated, and the other had clearly lost its mind and was systematically bouncing itself off the kennel walls. I saw Staffies by the hundred, Rotweillers, Huskies, small unidentifiable yappy things. I saw those that played to the crowd, up against the bars, barking their attributes at everyone, hoping to get picked, others who just barked profanities and then, right when I was beginning to think I wouldn't find one, I drew level with the next kennel. 

In it were two dogs, both about the same size, one looked like a staffie cross whippet and the other, sat at the back of the cage ignoring everything was a tan coloured dog, another cross staffie but crossed with what was anyone's guess.

As I stood there, she slowly turned her head and I was trapped in the gaze of the saddest pair of eyes I had ever seen. As she saw me, she got up and walked to the front and got up on her hind legs to take a closer look. Next she poked her paw through the bars and with little mumbles she gently tried to catch hold of me to pull me closer. 

No need to go through the embarrassment of explaining what a complete wreck I was that she'd chosen me, no need to dwell on the fact that she was the complete opposite of what I'd been so determined to get. I'd been chosen!

After completing all the paperwork, I was pulled away from the centre by my new owner and she flopped into the back of my car like she'd been doing it all her life. On the way home I explained to her that her name was now Ruby, that I was in fact the alpha in her new pack, that she was to behave when we got home, that she had a new bed, new toys and everything waiting for her and, glancing in the rear view mirror, I was certain that the smiling face meant she understood everything. 

She went through the front door like a bullet from a gun, tore down the passage, which wasn't easy as the laminate flooring meant she had to run twice as fast to get half the distance and she proceeded to bounce on each part of the sofas in turn. Clearly dizzy with excitement, she did the same journey back again to inspect her new bed, even while I was wasting my time pointing at the multicoloured bed in the living room. I followed her to the bedroom to see her running in very small, very fast circles on my bed. She evidently approved. She then bounced to the kitchen, recognised a water bowl when she saw it, took a long drink and then I quickly showed her the garden before she got any ideas.

This was over three years ago now. They had told me she was two when I got her, the vet said nearer to three, so I go with that. She's six now and she infuriates me with her dirty protests every time I go out, drives me crazy in the night, I don't think I've had a full nights sleep since i got her and barks for absolutely no good reason, usually just as I'm dozing off to sleep. 

She's also been my lifeline, my confidant, my rock, my warm cuddle when I've needed one, is always pleased to see me.  You're going grey around the snout now old girl but then again, so am I xx

Let this be an inspiration to us all

I have to confess that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, which I think is turning more to hate as I turn off more and more notifications from friends. I hate doing it, but get exasperated at some of the things they post. I have perhaps half a dozen friends who make it their mission in life to post almost constantly. Now if these were posts about what's happening in their lives, even their neighbours lives if they are that way inclined then great, this feeds both my nosy gene and the one that wants to ensure that all my friends are ok and if not enjoying life, at least sharing it with everyone. 

The ones I don't understand and never will, are those that constantly post supposedly uplifting quotes, meant to make me realise how lucky I am to be alive. 

Let me tell you a secret.. 

They don't work! 

Shocked? I don't really think you are. Why do you do it? Do you think that one of your friends might one day read what you've posted, get hit by a shaft of light and dance off into the rest of their lives throwing their anti-depressants over their shoulders as they go? They know full well there are people worse off than them, they don't need to be told this. All this does is add a creamy topping of guilt to their depression pie. They don't suddenly get a dose of happy because you've posted a picture of a cat/dog/baby(insert cute here). 

I did ask someone why they did it and their explanation was "well its better than always moaning or pictures of breakfast, dinner and tea" well my word I guess it is, if that is your only alternative! I have people on my feed who moan a lot and I have never once thought of blocking their posts. i have people who like showing what they are eating. While I have never really understood the excitement in this, it's not as if they are offering me any, I've never once thought of blocking their posts. Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" Is all you have in your head inspirational posters? Does Google know this?? Are you ever happy, does nothing happen to you that you want to share? If you're having a bad pain day, get free virtual hugs by telling people! If you're having a good pain day, let people join you in celebrating! 

Oh... you're a private person are you.. you don't like sharing your innermost feelings. That I can understand. I tend to post trivial things and rarely dip into the corners of my mind to post, mainly because I don't want to scare the shit out of everyone. However, tell me this much. Why, if you are so private, are you on Facebook at all?? Do you like to keep in touch with friends and find out what they are up to? Hardly fair if you're not doing the same is it. Never mind. I'm sure there is an inspirational quote to cover the situation. 

PS. That devil that live inside me has been posting de-motivational quotes, just to balance things out y'know.. no other reason.. I promise..

Getting on the hobby train

I've never been one for hobbies. It always seemed like something other people did. Even the sound of it seemed so uncool that even had I had one, I would never have admitted it! Even the word sounds ridiculous! Try saying it a few times and I bet you end up saying it like a Rowan Atkinson character! "Oh! You have a 'hobby' do you Baldrick??" You can just hear it can't you.

Still, all that being said, once I'd finished my parental sentence, I decided that I wanted to explore things that I'd never had the time for. 

I flirted with Genealogy for a while. It was fun, finding out who I was descended from, where they lived, what they did and I still have an interest, but it's one of those things that now sits in the 'I'll get back to that' pile gathering dust. 

There were two things that I thought might interest me though. Years before in another career I'd had the opportunity to work with clay and had enjoyed it. So, I enrolled in an evening class and decided to see what i could do. 

Oh Yes! Getting mucky and pushing my fingers into clay again. It fired up my imagination and pleasure centres that it probably shouldn't but it felt good to mold and shape it. I spent most of the six week course doing my own thing and at the end of it, I produced this!

 

Not particularly earth shattering but amazingly satisfying! I was completely fired with enthusiasm and started to plan how best I could carry on this new 'hobby' (yes I did the silly voice) with no kiln or access to one. I discovered air drying clay and with the help and support of a great friend reinforced air drying clay which I still use today. i vowed to get a small kiln and still want to, but at over £1000 it still eludes me.

The other thing I'd always wanted to try was stained glass work. I love colour with a passion and adored stained glass. Flushed with the success of the first encounter with evening classes I searched once again for a class on this subject. No luck.. none, nada, zilch. The only way I could apparently learn this was to go to a professional stained glass company and hand over a kidney and maybe a lung in the hope they'd teach me. So, this is still in the waiting zone for when the lottery win arrives. In the meantime, I explored 'fake' stained glass, using lead and paints to decorate vases and suchlike. Here's a few of the results so far:



So there you have it. Two hobbies. I'm a frequent flyer at Hobbycraft and spending lots of time creating. In reference to the quote at the beginning.. I think I have my crayons back now :)

Hello again!

Wow, this is a surprise! Decided to resurrect my old blog and have spent the last while going through all my old posts, reading them and mostly smiling at them and remembering what prompted them.

"What prompted the return?" I hear you all shout as well you might! It is a little bit of a rant I have to admit. Things happen and as I move through life I really do try not to tread too hard on people's toes, knowing that they fight their own battles, have their own priorities. This is, apparently, what we are supposed to do, consider others and accept they may be the way they are because of how they are doing on their journey. This is a good thing. Mostly.

I'm not sure if it's this mindset that has me in trouble, or if it's a case of low self esteem, but I'm sure this doesn't mean that if someone is going through a particularly bad time you are supposed to excuse their behaviours, bite your tongue when they hurt you, or place yourself lower on the ladder of importance because clearly you are not suffering like they are. Yes depression is a desperate problem for, it seems, an awful lot of humans. I've suffered from it myself and am still slowly coming off meds. 

It is easy to become the centre of your own universe with depression. You have enough to deal with your own emotions without worrying about others. So is it right to make those around you feel like they don't matter to you? Is it ok to expect people to just suck it up if you let them down? No actually! No it's not ok. It isn't right and it isn't fair, especially when those people are doing their best to support you. Don't trample on their feelings, you are not more important than them ok? I have the right to my self esteem issues. You do not have the right to hold me in such low esteem that you don't honour commitments or apologise when you can't.

Years ago, when managing a residential home, I regularly had staff members come in to me, ranting about something or other, emotionally distraught as the person they were supporting got ill or was in hospital. I listened, gave support where I could and let them vent. They usually left my office after a coffee and biscuits feeling much better. Of course they did, they left their problems with me. When I buckled under the stress after many years, I actually heard one of the staff say "well i don't know what she's got to be stressed about, she doesn't have to deal with the day to day problems like we do". I learned to deal.

So, come one come all, vent at me, I'll listen and offer comfort/support where I can. Disrespect me and make me feel that you don't actually care about my feelings.. go find someone else to burden.

Living with Bells Palsy

No one told me that, once you'd had Bells Palsy, that you were likely to get it again, but on Friday night, when I realised that what I was eating tasted strange, and the pain in my neck was travelling up to behind my ear, 6 years on from the first bout, I knew exactly what it was and my heart sank.

It had taken over 18 months to recover from my first meeting with this illness, and to this day certain nerves don't send signals to the correct parts of my face, causing my eye to water when I eat, and my eyebrow to dip when I smile.. not noticeable by most, but I can feel it happening. You live with those things though after fighting complete paralysis of one side of your face, the dribbling, the drooping, the not being able to eat and drink properly.. any recovery from that is gratefully received.

Now, 6 years later, I'm sitting here with an eye that won't close, a numb tongue and half a face that remains completely immovable, no matter how funny Most Haunted gets.

Saturday morning I trotted dutifully off to the emergency doctor, got tested and they agreed it was back, prescribed me steroids for 10 days and sent me away. That's all they can do, there is no miracle cure, they aren't even convinced about what causes it, viral or damage or bad luck.. nothing is conclusive. What they do seem to agree on though is that one visitation creates a weakness, a higher likelyhood of getting it back.

I'm glad they didn't tell me that at the time.

For those interested in the medical side of things this is how it works... This bugger attacks the 7th Cranial nerve that travels your neck to behind your ear, where it enters the skull through a small hole and basically makes your face work. The nerve swells as a result of either the virus or the damage, and the small hole constricts it, stopping it working and exactly half of your face goes into dead-pan mode at best, drooping similar to a stroke if you are unlucky.

That's what happened to me the first time, I had enormous problems making myself understood as my speech was impaired. This time I'm luckier.. I have to think about what I'm saying, but I can be understood.

With any luck, 3 - 6 months time and I'll be back to normal.. I'm actually hoping that as it's on the other side of my face this time, that it'll actually even my face up again.. but I'm not sure this illness is that kind.

By the way, I'm smiling in the picture.. hard to tell isn't it. (cover half of my face and you'll be able to tell) A real "smiling on the inside" moment :) I'd like to say I'm putting on a brave face, but I'd only be half right... lol

I'll keep you updated if you're interested, but really posted this to let people know that this is something that can attack ANYONE.. young or old, healthy or not, apparently George Clooney suffered with it.. so even the rich and good looking aren't safe! If you do get it however, as horrible as it is, only a very few people are left with lasting damage, most of us recover completely.. Fingers crossed eh?

That Old Devil called...

I sat down here today, ready to put down my thoughts on a certain subject that I've been musing about recently but find that now I actually have that metaphorical pen in hand, I have no idea where to start.

Of course it's the subject that probably been written about most in all the history of the world and far be it from me to say that I've had any original thoughts on the matter or indeed have anything new to say on it. People have died, killed and been killed for it.. not something I think I could do, but hope never to be in the situation where I'd have to make that choice.

Is there a difference between like and love? Are those who use the word 'like', just not wanting to admit to the love they feel? Is it dependent upon how much you care about something or someone? I could say that if I get to know someone, then I care about what happens to them, about their well-being. How much do I have to care before it moves from liking to loving?

I've met people who, for whatever reason, will do everything to avoid saying the word and actually go pale if you say it to them. I feel sad that I can't express my love for these people because of their own inhibitions and fear that it makes them somehow responsible for me.

On the other side of the coin I've also met people who seem to love everything they come into contact with. Does that dilute the word? I don't think so. It may be a very splendid thing, but it's also a very individual thing, personal to the person who feels it and none of us, not a one, can define what it means to them to another human being.

I love the friends I have, I care about them, I hope they are healthy, successful and happy and would hurt for them if anything happened to them. If it were in my power I would find a way to make their lives even better. Is that not what love is? I doubt I could tell them though, possibly because I fear their reaction, fear that they would take it the wrong way and feel awkward.

Is it all a part of being "British" that we find it so hard to express emotions and usually fear seeing them in someone else? I hate not being able to say "I love you, please take care" to a friend. I hate not being able to call someone up that I have known and loved in the past, just to remind them that the thoughts I have about them are still loving, still caring.

I love to express my love too.. I love to hug and kiss and cuddle, again all frowned upon in 'polite society'. Think about the impact a touch of another human being has on you. Not getting it? Ok, this must have happened to you, being touched by a stranger.. possibly in a queue for something, you get chatting with someone, you laugh at something and the stranger reaches out and touches your arm or hand as you laugh. Do you feel the need to recoil? Do you feel warmth? I'm willing to bet you felt something, that the stranger not only touched your skin, but also touched you deeper, on a base level. Years ago people shook hands when they met for the first time, now it's not something you see often. I think that's a shame. To be a 'touchy feely' person now can be a very isolating thing.

I love my world, I love the people who have touch my life, both past and present, I love the fact that the sun is shining... s'cuse me while I kiss the sky :)

Christmas Ramblings

This is an odd time of year isn't it. It's probably the one time of year that single people really feel their status. Being newly single again, I've not really had time to sit down and assess what it means and have rarely felt alone or lonely, but over the last few days I've realised that as much as I kick against it and adore my own little cave with my own company, I am at heart a social animal and enjoy sharing time with someone.

However that being said, I've had control of the television remote, I can eat and drink what I please during the day, I can decide when to go to bed, when to get up, when to laze in the bath and loads of other little 'couple' decisions that I've been spared over this time. Yahoo :)

I think if I ever do decide to become part of a couple again, it will be after long and careful consideration of loads of factors. I will pick someone who I actually have things in common with, similar tastes in food, films, books, sex (of course), humour. I've ignored these in the past as not being important, apart from one (guess which one lol) and for long term it really doesn't work.

I know once this holiday is over I'll be fine again and staggering my way through the world as usual quite happily, quite single, quite content.. but I do think that there should be a huge place, somewhere nice, that if you are single, you can go to, free of charge at Christmas, to be with other single people, and enjoy Christmas together, eating drinking and orgying.... ok I'm being hopeful about the orgy bit lol.. but the main thing.. is there would be a togetherness and people wouldn't have to be alone.

To me that should be the true meaning of Christmas..